VS16498

Published: 84 articles

Two Dollars

A bum asks a man for two dollars.
The man asked, “Will you buy booze?”
The bum said, “No.”
The man asked, “Will you gamble it away?”
The bum said, “No.”
Then the man asked, “Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble.”

Doctor

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
‘Breast-fed,’ she replied.
‘Well, strip down to your waist,’ the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
‘No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.’
‘I know,’ she said, ‘I’m his Grandma, but I’m really glad I came.’

Lame Joke

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.Three weeks later, a horse walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes.He took the precious book out of the horse’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!”

“Not really,” said the horse. “Your name is written inside the cover.”

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED 5

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, “What’s on TV?”

I said, “Lots of dust.”

And then the fight started…

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED 4

My wife was at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunk swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, “Do you know him?”

“Yes”, she sighed, he’s my old boyfriend. He began drinking right after we
split up years ago, and hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?”

And then the fight started…

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED 3

I took my wife to a restaurant.The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”

He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”

“Nah, she can order for herself.”

And that’s when the fight started…..

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED 2

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’

‘No,’ she answered.

I then said,’Is that your final answer?’

She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’

So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s when the fight started…

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED 1

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift .The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.When she asked me why, I replied,

“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started…..

Innee Outee?

A blonde girl goes into a hair salon and she’s wearing earphones connected to her walkman. She tells the hair stylist to cut her hair but NOT to take off her earphones. He had to cut around it.

He thought it would look really stupid if he didn’t cut under her earphones so he picked them up and lifted them slightly. Suddenly, the Blonde fell to the ground, dead.

The hair stylist picked up the ear phones to see what she had been listening to and a recorded voice was saying “Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out.”

Mom’s the word

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss, concerned about his employee’s well being, asks sympathetically, “What’s the matter?”

The blonde replies, “Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.”

“I’m terribly sorry to hear that. Why don’t you go home for the day… we aren’t terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest.” replied the boss

The blonde very calmly explains, “No, I’d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.”

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. “If you need anything, just let me know,” he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, “Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?”

“No,” replies the blonde, “I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!”