Category "funny"

Innee Outee?

A blonde girl goes into a hair salon and she’s wearing earphones connected to her walkman. She tells the hair stylist to cut her hair but NOT to take off her earphones. He had to cut around it.

He thought it would look really stupid if he didn’t cut under her earphones so he picked them up and lifted them slightly. Suddenly, the Blonde fell to the ground, dead.

The hair stylist picked up the ear phones to see what she had been listening to and a recorded voice was saying “Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out.”

Mom’s the word

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss, concerned about his employee’s well being, asks sympathetically, “What’s the matter?”

The blonde replies, “Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.”

“I’m terribly sorry to hear that. Why don’t you go home for the day… we aren’t terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest.” replied the boss

The blonde very calmly explains, “No, I’d be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.”

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. “If you need anything, just let me know,” he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, “Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?”

“No,” replies the blonde, “I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!”

Dogg Gone!

A blonde man ‘s dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says “Why don ‘t you put an ad in the paper?”

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

“What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks.

“Here boy!” he replies.

Gaol home Goal

A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. “Just WHAT are you doing?” he asks.
“Hanging myself,” the blond replies.

“It should be around your neck” says the guard.

“I tried that,” he replies, “but then I couldn ‘t breathe.”

Surgeon talk

Five surgeons were talking about the best patients.

First surgeon says: “Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything on the inside is numbered.”

Second surgeon says: “Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”

Third surgeon says: “Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded!”

Fourth surgeon replies: “I prefer lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and butts are interchangeable.”

The fifth surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation, says, “I like engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end.”

Do you have any kids?

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.
“Do you have any kids?” she asked.”
Yes,” I replied, “I have one child that’s just under two.”
She said, “I might be blonde, but I know how many one is.”

UNDERSTANDING Men (A Woman’S PERSPECTIVE)

Why is it that women are afraid of a spider over that of a hot waxing treatment? Let’s put it this way. The spider has 8 eyes and is hairy all over. So lets reverse the question. How is it that men are not afraid of a spider, yet freaks out when the signal goes out right as the FOOTIE is about to start on the  tv? Does it help yelling at the top of their lungs, waving their arms about, cursing that the universe is out to get them and tearing the living room apart trying to figure out how to get the signal back? All the while the women are standing there wondering what  has taken possession of their men!!

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.
30,000 to a man’s 15,000.
The wife replied, ‘The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men…
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, ‘What?’

WOMEN’S REVENGE

‘Cash, check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked.
‘No,’ she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the evilest thing I could do to him legally.