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Mistranslations

Cocktail lounge, Norway: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Hotel, Vienna: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. if you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

Hotel lobby, Bucharest: The lift is being fixed for the next day. during that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

Doctor’s office, Rome: Specialist in women and other diseases.

Too True!

While walking down the street one day a politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

‘Welcome to heaven,’ says St. Peter.

‘Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.’

‘No problem, just let me in,’ says the man.

‘Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.’

‘Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,’ says the MP.

‘I’m sorry, but we have our rules.’

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he went down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he found himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and dressed in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dined on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it’s time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and wave whilst the elevator rises….

The elevator rises and the door opens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

‘Now it’s time to visit heaven.’

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

‘Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.’

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: ‘Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.’

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down down to hell.

When the doors open he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. ‘ I don’t understand,’ stammers the MP.

‘Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened? ‘

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ‘ Yesterday we were campaigning..

Today you voted.

 

 

 

“Beary’ True!

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them.

The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.

The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.

The second guys says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.”

“I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.”

Unfaithful

A local lawyer was sitting in his office the other morning when in walked a beautiful blonde woman.

Without any preliminaries she declared that she wanted a divorce.

“On what grounds?” asked the lawyer.

“I don’t think he is faithful to me” she replied.

“And what makes you think he isn’t faithful?” asked the lawyer.

“Well for one thing” replied the young lady “I don’t think he’s the father of my child”.

Blindness

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, with a warning from the Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked…

In the middle of the project, there’s a knock at the door.
“Who is it?” calls one of the nuns.
“Blind man,” replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room.

They open the door.
“Nice boobs,” says the man. “Where do you want the blinds?”

Sure thing!

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: ‘Hello’
WOMAN: ‘Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?’
MAN: ‘Yes’
WOMAN: ‘I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?’
MAN: ‘Sure, go ahead if you really like it.’
WOMAN: ‘I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2015 Models. I saw one I really liked.’
MAN: ‘How much?’
WOMAN: ‘$128,000’
MAN: ‘OK, but for that price make sure it comes with all the options.’
WOMAN: ‘Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000.’
MAN: ‘well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, go the extra 50 thousand if you think it’s really a pretty good price.’
WOMAN: ‘OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much! You’re so generous!’
MAN: “You’re worth it. ‘Bye!’

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, with mouths agape.

The wonderful husband turns and asks: “Anybody know whose phone this is?”