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The Ark

In the year 2015, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in America and said:
“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.”
“Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.”

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
“You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard – but no Ark.”Noah!,” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?”

“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed.”
“I needed a Building Permit.”
“I’ve been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.”

“My homeowners association claim that I’ve violated the
Neighbourhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision.”

“Then the City Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it.”

“Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl.”
“I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls – but no go!”

“When I started gathering the animals, PETA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive and
it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.”

“Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on Your proposed flood.”

“I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.”

“The Immigration Dept. Is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work.”
“The labor unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with ark-building experience.”

“To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.”
“So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this ark.”

“Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow stretched across the sky.”

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”

“No,” said the Lord. ” The Government beat me to it.”

Copy / Paste the Link

When the man stops running, hold your cursor about 1/2 inch above his head!
Can you “explain that”?

 

http://www.selfcontrolfreak.com/pakken.html

Selling A Cow

The farmer had been taken so many times by the local car dealer that when the dealer wanted to buy a cow, the farmer priced it to him like this:
Basic cow, $200;
two-tone exterior, $45;
extra stomach $75;
product storage compartment, $60;
dispensing device, four spigots at $10 each, $40;
genuine cowhide upholstery, $125;
dual horns, $15;
automatic fly swatter, $35.
Total = $595.

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;…
T’was “Fifty Shades of Grey”.

Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
“I am a dominator!!”

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d uttered.

She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one!!”

Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!

Filled peppers baked in oven

10 medium sized green peppers
4 soup spoons of cooking oil
1 middle sized onion
1/2 kg of ground pork meat
1 soup spoon of Vegeta or “Spice C” (a condiment)
1 tea spoon of ground black pepper
400 gr of rice
1 egg
250-350 gr of sour cream
150  ml of water

  • Preparation :

1. 10 medium sized green peppers carefully excavate with the knife.

2. Turn on the stove plate, put a pan on the plate and pour in 2 soup

spoons of cooking oil to oil the pan’s bottom.

3. Peel the onion, chop it to small square pieces and pour into the pan.

4. Add 1/2 kg of ground pork meat, add 1 tea spoon of a ground black pepper, add 1 soup spoon of Vegeta or Spice C” (a condiment) and add 400 gr of rice.
5. All of that simmer about 15 minutes.
6. Turn off the stove plate, take off the pan from the plate, add 1 whole egg into the pan and whisk it all well. That’s the green peppers filling mass.
7. Each green pepper’s cave fill with this prepared filling (watching not to exceed its capacity, must not be overloaded – leave a little empty space inside the peppers cavity because the rice grow up while cooking).
8. Prepare a baking pan, oil its bottom with 1-2 soup spoons of cooking oil, smear the baking pan bottom with thin layer of sour cream.
9. Loaded green peppers with the filling mass arrange in the baking pan, add 150 ml of water and put 1 soup spoon of sour cream on top of each filled green pepper.
10.Put the baking pan into the warmed oven and bake it for about 1 hour on a temperature of 200 Celsius degrees.
11.On an half way (time) of baking process, shortly take out the pan from the oven, carefully turn over each green pepper with a spoon, take back the pan into the oven and keep baking to the end of about 1 hour total time.
12.When it’s done, take out the pan from the oven, leave it to cool down for a while, and a serving and eating in the worm condition can begin.

Peasant Potatoes

Ingredients:

  • 1 kg of potatoes of equal size,
  • 250 g of dried bacon,
  • 200 g of whole milk sheep cheese,
  • 3 bell peppers,
  • 3 onions,
  • salt and pepper to taste.

Preparation:

  1. Wash potatoes and remove from each a slice of about one-eighth of potato. In this space put a slice of bacon, cheese, pepper, and a slice of onion. Season with salt and pepper.
  2. Pack each potato in aluminum foil and bake in the live coal made of the grapevine wood. In the absence of the fireplace you can bake in the oven.

Potato moussaka with bacon and spinach

Ingredients:

  • 800 g potatoes,
  • 200 g spinach,
  • 1-4 tablespoons oil,
  • 50 g fleshy bacon,
  • 100 g feta cheese,
  • 3 tablespoons grated cheese,
  • 1 small clove garlic,
  • 8 dl milk,
  • little butter,
  • 1 tablespoon bread crumbs,
  • salt, pepper, dried vegetables seasoning.

Preparation:

  1. Peel potatoes and cut into thin slices. Drain the spinach and finely shred and feta cheese crumble with fork.
  2. Butter fireproof dish and align layer of potatoes, layer of spinach, bacon pieces, feta cheese, and so until all is used (the last layer need to be potato).
  3. Heat milk with garlic, salt, pepper and spice from dried vegetables, then at first spray moussaka with oil, sprinkle bread crumbs, and then pour the milk.
  4. Place in preheated oven at 200 degrees Celsius and bake for about 35-40 minutes.
  5. At the end of baking sprinkle grated cheese and return to oven until cheese melt and brown.

Plum Dumplings

1 kg of white potatoes
20 pieces of fresh plums
700-800 gr of flour
250 gr of bread crumbs
2 eggs
1 soup spoon of butter or margarine
2 tea spoons of salt
5 soup spoons of cooking oil
sugar according to taste

 

  • Preparation :

1. Peel 1 kg of potatoes, put them into a deeper saucepan with enough water to cover the potatoes, add 1 tea spoon of salt

. Cook the potatoes in a boiling water on the stove plate for about 30 minutes until the potatoes become soft. While the potatoes are cooking you can little lower the temperature to prevent boiling water come over the pan.
2. Drain water from the pan and mush potatoes well with the potatoes musher. Add 1 soup spoon of melted butter or margarine and stir it well too. Leave it for awhile to cool down a little, add 2 eggs and stir it well again to achieve the mixture get equalized. Then, while adding the flour constantly stir the mixture until you get the medium soft (not sticky) dough.

3. Spread thin layer of flour over the working table surface to escape dough sticking to the working surface. With the wooden rolling-pin expand the dough to a rectangular shape and up to 1 cm thick.
4. Cut the dough with the knife and make as many square dough pieces (about 7-8 cm size – depending on the plums size) as it comes out from the whole piece of dough (about 20 square pieces you can get from up mentioned quantity of ingredients-counting the rest-ends which you can compile, spread and cut the dough to a required size pieces again).
5. Put the plum (previously remove kernel) in the center of each square dough piece, fold the plum with the dough and form a small ball (dumpling) with your palms, watching that plum must be covered with the dough by all sides.
6. Turn on the stove plate, put some bigger cooking pan onto it, pour in about 1-1,5 l water, add 1 tea spoon of salt and wait until the water starts to boil. Drop each dumpling, one by one, with the soup spoon into a boiling water and cook them about 10 minutes until dumplings emerge to the surface. Divide the dumplings cooking into 2-3 takes (depending on the pan size), not all at once.
7. Take out from the water cooked plum dumplings with the ladle, and leave them for awhile to cool down.
8. In the meantime, pour 5 soup spoons of cooking oil into another pan, add 250 gr of bread crumbs and fry it for a few minutes until it gets golden-yellow-brown color, stir constantly to prevent bread crumbs get burned.
9. Take off fried bread crumbs from the stove plate, add the sugar according to taste and mix it well.
10. Cooked plum dumplings roll into the mixture of fried bread crumbs and sugar, arrange them on the tray and plum dumplings are ready for serving.
Plum dumplings could be served as an desert, after the main meal, rarely alone, as they are sweet and exceptionally delicious part of menu.