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Dogg Gone!

A blonde man ‘s dog goes missing and he is frantic. His wife says “Why don ‘t you put an ad in the paper?”

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

“What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks.

“Here boy!” he replies.

Gaol home Goal

A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. “Just WHAT are you doing?” he asks.
“Hanging myself,” the blond replies.

“It should be around your neck” says the guard.

“I tried that,” he replies, “but then I couldn ‘t breathe.”

Surgeon talk

Five surgeons were talking about the best patients.

First surgeon says: “Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything on the inside is numbered.”

Second surgeon says: “Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”

Third surgeon says: “Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded!”

Fourth surgeon replies: “I prefer lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and butts are interchangeable.”

The fifth surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation, says, “I like engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end.”

Do you have any kids?

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night.
“Do you have any kids?” she asked.”
Yes,” I replied, “I have one child that’s just under two.”
She said, “I might be blonde, but I know how many one is.”

UNDERSTANDING Men (A Woman’S PERSPECTIVE)

Why is it that women are afraid of a spider over that of a hot waxing treatment? Let’s put it this way. The spider has 8 eyes and is hairy all over. So lets reverse the question. How is it that men are not afraid of a spider, yet freaks out when the signal goes out right as the FOOTIE is about to start on the  tv? Does it help yelling at the top of their lungs, waving their arms about, cursing that the universe is out to get them and tearing the living room apart trying to figure out how to get the signal back? All the while the women are standing there wondering what  has taken possession of their men!!

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.
30,000 to a man’s 15,000.
The wife replied, ‘The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men…
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, ‘What?’

WOMEN’S REVENGE

‘Cash, check or charge?’ I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ I asked.
‘No,’ she replied, ‘but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the evilest thing I could do to him legally.

The Mechanic & The Cardiologist

A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor
of a LS460 when he spotted a well known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come
and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the
garage, “Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?”
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
“So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out,
repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in,
and when I finished, it worked just like new.
So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M,
when you and I are doing basically the same work?”
The cardiologist paused, leaned over,
and then whispered to the mechanic…….
“Try doing it with the engine running.”

Bike Ride

 

I went to the bottle shop on Saturday afternoon on my bike trying to get a
bit fitter, bought a bottle of whiskey and put it in the bike basket.
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bike, the bottle would break.
So I drank all the whiskey before I rode home.
It turned out to be a very good decision,
Because I fell off my bike seven times on the way home.