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Facts and More Facts………..

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body… men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll just see about that!
I think my neighbor is stalking me – she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Money talks …but all mine ever says is good-bye.
If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Government Workers

Ray and Bob, two Government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
“We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole”, said Bob, “But we don’t have a ladder.”
The woman said, “Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox.”
She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down.
She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches” and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed. “Well, ain’t that just like a ‘Miss-know-it-all’ woman?” he said. “We need the height and she gives us the length!”
Ray and Bob are still working for the Government.

Lost

A 6 year old grandson that was shopping with his grandfather got lost in the shopping centre.
The boy approached a uniformed security guard and said, “I’ve lost my grandad!”
The guard asked, “What’s his name?” The boy replied, “Grandad.”
The guard smiles, then asks “What’s he like?”
To which the little tyke hesitated for a moment and replied,
“Jack Daniels and women with big boobs!!

Childbirth At 65

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old
friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the
hospital and went home, I went to visit.
‘May I see the new baby?’ I asked
‘Not yet,’ She said ‘I’ll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.’
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, ‘May I see the new baby now?’
‘No, not yet,’ She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, ‘May I see the baby
now?’
‘No, not yet,’ replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, ‘Well, when can I see the baby?’
‘WHEN HE CRIES!’ she told me.
‘WHEN HE CRIES?’ I demanded.
‘Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?’
‘BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?’

Proof of Aging (or ‘Ageing’)

Everything Hurts, And What Doesn’t Hurt, Doesn’t Work.
Your Little Black Book Contains Names Only Ending In M.D.
You Get Winded Playing Chess.
You Join A Health Club And Don’t Go.
You Still Chase The Opposite Sex But Don’t Know Why.
You Look Forward To Dull Evenings.
You Turn Out The Lights For Economic Rather Than Romantic Reasons.
You Sit In A Rocking Chair And Can’t Get It Going.
Your Knees Buckle And Your Belt Wont.
Dialing Long Distance Wears You Out.
Your Back Goes Out More Than You Do.
You Stick Your Teeth Into A Steak And They Stay There.
When You Buy A Kidney Shaped Pool And It Has A Stone In It.
When You Find More Of Your Hair In The Sink Than On Your Head.
When Your Weight Goes Up And Your Height Goes Down.