HNY
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Drowning the ole sorrows
A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink.
“Is everything okay, pal?” the bartender asks.
“My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn’t talking to me for a month!”
Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says,
“Well, maybe that’s kind of a good thing. You know, ..a little peace and quiet?”
“Yeah. But today is the last day!”
Flowers
My wife complained to me that I never buy her flowers.
To be honest, I never even knew she sold them.
The Monkey and the Cue Ball
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says, “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table – whole!” says the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replies the patron. “He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” “Now what?” asks the patron. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replies the guy. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures things first.”
Two Dollars
A bum asks a man for two dollars.
The man asked, “Will you buy booze?”
The bum said, “No.”
The man asked, “Will you gamble it away?”
The bum said, “No.”
Then the man asked, “Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn’t drink or gamble.”
Doctor
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
‘Breast-fed,’ she replied.
‘Well, strip down to your waist,’ the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
‘No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.’
‘I know,’ she said, ‘I’m his Grandma, but I’m really glad I came.’
Lame Joke
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.Three weeks later, a horse walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes.He took the precious book out of the horse’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!”
“Not really,” said the horse. “Your name is written inside the cover.”
HOW THE FIGHT STARTED 5
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Lots of dust.”
And then the fight started…
HOW THE FIGHT STARTED 4
My wife was at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunk swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed, he’s my old boyfriend. He began drinking right after we
split up years ago, and hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?”
And then the fight started…
HOW THE FIGHT STARTED 3
I took my wife to a restaurant.The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started…..