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Proof of Aging (or ‘Ageing’)

Everything Hurts, And What Doesn’t Hurt, Doesn’t Work.
Your Little Black Book Contains Names Only Ending In M.D.
You Get Winded Playing Chess.
You Join A Health Club And Don’t Go.
You Still Chase The Opposite Sex But Don’t Know Why.
You Look Forward To Dull Evenings.
You Turn Out The Lights For Economic Rather Than Romantic Reasons.
You Sit In A Rocking Chair And Can’t Get It Going.
Your Knees Buckle And Your Belt Wont.
Dialing Long Distance Wears You Out.
Your Back Goes Out More Than You Do.
You Stick Your Teeth Into A Steak And They Stay There.
When You Buy A Kidney Shaped Pool And It Has A Stone In It.
When You Find More Of Your Hair In The Sink Than On Your Head.
When Your Weight Goes Up And Your Height Goes Down.

Rejected Password

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer,
and at the appropriate point in the process,
told him that he would now need to enter a password.
Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured
he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife’s attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password,
he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in
P… E… N… I… S His wife fell off her chair laughing
when the computer replied: ***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH

Telephone Numbers

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg

Hello?’

Hi honey This is Daddy Is Mommy near the phone?’
No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Dave.
After a brief pause, Daddy says,
But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Dave.
Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now..

Brief Pause.

Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs
And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
That Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.

Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.A few minutes later
The little girl comes back to the phone..

I did it, Daddy. And what happened, honey?’
Well, Mommy got all scared,
jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming..
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
And now she isn’t moving at all!

Oh, no!!! What about your Uncle Dave?’
He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared and he jumped out
of the back window and into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn’t know that
you took out the water last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.’

Long Pause, Longer Pause, Even Longer Pause

Then Daddy says, Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?’
No, I think you have the wrong number………

Tribute

The old Indian chief called for the two bravest warriors in the tribe.
“Running Buffalo, Falling Rocks, you go and seek buffalo skins. Whichever of you returns with the most skins will become my right hand man and will be the next chief.”
A month later, Running Buffalo came back with nearly a hundred pelts.
Sadly, Falling Rocks never returned.
The tribe organized a search and looked everywhere, but they couldn’t find the missing brave anywhere.
Today, as you drive through the West, you can see the evidence of love and devotion the tribe had for this lost warrior. Throughout the highways, on interstates and side roads, you can still see their signs that say, ‘Watch for Falling Rocks.'”

Desert Ties

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack – selling ties.
The Taliban terrorist asked, “Do you have water?
The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”
The Taliban shouted hysterically, “Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment – I spit on your ties. I need water!
“Sorry, I have none – just ties – pure silk – and only $5.”
“Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!”
“Okay,” said the little old Jewish man, it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need…Go In Peace!
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead and gasped, “They won’t let me in without a tie!