Progress
Daily archives "August 10, 2015"
As I age, I realise that …………..
I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.
I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.
My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance of idiots that needs work.
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it’s like a mini vacation.
Even duct tape can’t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!
Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.
When the kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please. I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes”.
At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Too True!
A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally croaked.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to “Go forth and multiply.”
In his final eulogy, he noted, “Thank you, Lord, they’re finally together.”
Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner asked, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?”
The other mourner then replied, “I think he means her legs.”
Job Interview
Oh, Dear!
