Sad, But True
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Royal Donkey
Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area”. The king was polite and considerate, he replied: “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way.” So he continued on his way.
However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!
Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. The farmer said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.”
So the king hired the donkey. And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
Ready For Takeoff
Who Needs Horsepower!
Ads From The 50’s
PC – Problem Computer
I was having trouble with my computer so I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong?’
He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’
I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, ‘An ID ten Terror? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’
Richard grinned. ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?’
‘No,’ I replied.
‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like the little #@!*
Preacher’s Salary
A pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher’s family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to congregation to discuss the preacher’s expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman’s additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, ‘Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as he gives us.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, ‘Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.’
The entire congregation said, ‘Amen.’
Progress
As I age, I realise that …………..
I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.
I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.
My people skills are just fine. It’s my tolerance of idiots that needs work.
The biggest lie I tell myself is “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it’s like a mini vacation.
Even duct tape can’t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!
Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would’ve put them on my knees.
When the kids text me “plz” which is shorter than please. I text back “no” which is shorter than “yes”.
At my age “Getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Too True!
A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally croaked.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to “Go forth and multiply.”
In his final eulogy, he noted, “Thank you, Lord, they’re finally together.”
Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner asked, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?”
The other mourner then replied, “I think he means her legs.”