Worst Nightmare

Lawyer Hostage

A group of terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel, where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

Don’t Mess With Old Ladies

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked
up four cans and took them to the check out counter.

The girl at the cash register said, “I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you
cat food without proof that you have a cat.
A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof
that you are buying the cat food for your cat.”

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to
the store. They sold her the cat food.
The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier
said “I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you
have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management
wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog.”

So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the
dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little
old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier
said,
“No, you might have a snake in there.”

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, “That smells like ****.”

The little old lady said, “It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper.”

The Decision Is Yours

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags ripped, and every Once in a while, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, A policeman stopped her, and said, ‘Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of bag.’

‘Oh, really? Darn it!’ said the little old lady. ‘I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.’

‘Well, now, not so fast,’ said the cop. ‘Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?’

‘Oh, no, no’, said the old lady. ‘You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot.

On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden..

It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I Thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’

So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my garden pruners.

Every time some guy pees through my fence, I surprise him, and say, ‘O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.’ ‘

‘Well, that seems only fair,’ said the cop, laughing. ‘OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?’

‘Well, you know’, said the little old lady, ‘not everybody pays.’

Happily Ever After

Caught!

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding…

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer : Ma’am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer : Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

Officer : Don’t have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer : I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer : Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer : Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer : You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer2 : Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

Retirement Joke

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.” The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. “Well, doc, it’s like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.” The doctor was shocked! “You asked your neighbor?” The old man replied, “Yep, none of us could get the jar open.”

Night Out