1) – This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)
2) – Oysters’ balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3) – If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don’t have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (age 7)
4) – Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5) – A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.. (Billy, age 8)
6) – My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7) – When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn’t blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)
8) – Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9) – I’m not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can’t think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10) – Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
11) – When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12) – Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can’t go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
13) – On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won’t do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass.. (Julie, age 7)
14) – The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don’t drown I don’t know. (Bobby, age 6)
15) – My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn’t know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)
I decided to make my password “incorrect” because if I type it in wrong, my computer will remind me, “Your password is incorrect.”
Three guys are sitting in a sauna: a Mexican, an Asian, and a white guy. The Mexican and white guy are showing off their new tech gadgets. The white guy says, “Hey, look what I got: the new Google Glass!” The Mexican & Asian say, “Wow, that’s nice, man.” Then the Mexican guy says, “Check out my new cellphone; it’s a watch!” The white guy and Asian say, “Very cool, dude.” The Asian guy has nothing to show these guys, so he gets up and walks away naked to to the bathroom. Then he comes back 5 minutes later from the bathroom still naked with paper hanging out of his butt crack. The Mexican and white guy say, “Hey, you have something hanging out of your ass.” The Asian guy says, “Oh look, I’m receiving a Fax!”
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.” The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?” The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from
Holland called Holes?
3. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
4. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
5. Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?
6. If a convenience store is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365
days a year, why are there locks on the door?
Two younger women and one a senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and
the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. ‘That was my
pager, she said. I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.’
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted
her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, ‘That was my mobile
phone. I have a microchip in my hand.’
The older woman felt very low-tech. Not to be out done, she decided she had
to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to
the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her
rear end. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.
The older woman finally said……… ‘Well, will you look at
that… I’m getting a fax!!’
..while his wife waits at home. He promises to be back by five.
Five’o’clock comes and goes and the husband hasn’t come back yet. Gradually, the hours tick by and no sign of the husband. The wife is about to go looking for him when the front door opens and the husband shuffles in.
The wife is worried sick.
“Where have you been? You said you’d be home by five, it’s now eight’o’clock!”
The husband replies with, “I’m sorry I’m late, but my friend Harry had a heart attack today in the middle of golf.”
The wife is shocked.
“Oh dear! That’s awful!”
“I know! All day long it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry..
750g biscuits (6x6cm dimensions)
1l + 200g milk for dipping
2 chocolate pudding
100g dark chocolate
13 tablespoons sugar
250g butter
Mix 900ml milk sugar and let it boil. Dissolve pudding powder In 100 ml of milk and cook into boiled milk. Add chocolate and cook another 2-3 minutes. Remove it from the heat, add the butter and stir well.
Dip each cookie into the milk, arrange them in a 4×4 biscuits basis and cover with the warm filling. Arrange another 4×4 biscuits over filling and repeat the procedure six times in total, covering the cake with filling over the top and sides. Sprinkle with grated chocolate or leave as it is.
crust:
400g flour
150g sugar
250g butter
3 egg yolks
1 baking powder
100g sour cream
filling:
1kg apples
Sugar to taste
1 vanilla sugar
cinnamon
100g raisins
150g ground walnuts
Whisk the butter and sugar, add egg yolks and sour cream. Finally, add the flour mixed with baking powder and knead smooth dough. Divide the dough into two parts, put a half in the fridge to chill. Grease the baking pan dimensions 34x20cm and sprinkle with flour.
Soak the raisins in warm water to swell. Peel the apples and shred them. Squeeze them a little bit with hands to drain excess water. Sugar to taste, add cinnamon and vanilla sugar. Drain the raisins through a strainer and add to apple filling.
Roll out a half of dough in the size of the pan. Sprinke a half of ground nuts on the crust, then put filling. Sprinkle the rest of nuts over the filling and shred chilled dough.
Bake in pre-heated oven at 180 degrees for about 30 minutes. Spinkle hot pie with powder sugar.
Ingredients:
Dough
1 fresh yeast (40g)
1/2l milk
5 tablespoon sugar
1kg flour + a bit of flour for sprinkling
3 egg yolks
300g lard
1 teaspoon salt
1 vanilin sugar (10g)
peel of 1 lemon
Filling
1/2kg ground poppy seeds or ground nuts
1 cup milk
10 tablespoons sugar
100g butter
Coating
1 egg yolk
1 tablespoon water
Firstly, make the filling: put the milk into small pot and let it to boil; stir in poppy seeds or ground nuts, stir little bit and remove from heat. Add 10 tablespoons sugar and 100g butter
Pre-heat the oven to 250 degrees.
Dissolve yeast in ½ l milk and add 1 tablespoon sugar. Leave it to swell.
Pour 1kg flour in large bowl, add dissolved yeast and 3 egg yolks. Knead it briefly with electric mixeer, extensions for dough. Add lard to mixture, then salt, 4 tablespoons sugar, vanila sugar and lemon peel. Knead it well until dough is smooth and divide dough into 4 parts.
Turn each part (one after the other) onto lightly floured surface of silicone cover; roll to about 3mm thickness. Spread filling and roll the strudel up.
Put each strudel into a pan lined with baking paper. Combine egg yolk and water and brush over strudel. Let it rise for ½ an hour.
When you put the strudel in the oven, reduce temperature to 180 degrees. Bake for about 40 minutes, until golden browned.
Sprinkle the powder sugar just before serving.