Naughty, Naughty!
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Movie Moderator Tips
Things You Learn by Watching Movies
~* A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
~* All beds have special “L”-shaped sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
~* Once applied, lipstick will never rub off – even while scuba diving.
~* Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
~* Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
~* When paying for a taxi, don’t look at your wallet as you take out a bill – just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
~* Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
~* It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
~* The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there. And you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
~* You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war – unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
~* A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a stadium.
~* When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
~* Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
~* All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.
~* Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don’t worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
~* It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
~* A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
~* Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
~* Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people–whether they are employed or not.
~* If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
~* If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
~* Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
~* If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
Male or Female?
Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female.
Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGES:
Female, because they’re constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they’ve hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.
Domestic Corn Bread
500g of corn flour
1 teaspoon of baking powder
1 flat teaspoon of salt
1 tablespoon of lard (room temperature)
700ml sparkling mineral water
Combine flour, baking powder, salt, add sparkling water and stir in lard. Mix with spatula until well combined.
Pour prepared mixture into baking pan 25cm diameter covered with parchment paper. Bake in pre-heated oven at 250 degrees for 50 minutes.
Whoops!
Vow of Silence
Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words.
Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance.
He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.”
Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.”
It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.”
“I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”
Woman Visit Social Welfare………..
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.
‘Wow,’ the social worker exclaims, ‘are they all yours ?’
‘Yep, they’re all mine, ‘ the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, ‘Sit down Terry.’ All the children rush to find seats.
‘Well,’ says the social worker, ‘then you must be here to sign up. I’ll need all your children’s names.’
”Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Terry and the girls are all named Terri.”
In disbelief, the case worker says, ‘Are you serious? They’re all named Terry?’
Their momma replied, ‘Well, yes – it makes it easier. When it’s time to get them out of bed and ready for school , I yell, Terry! And when it’s time for dinner, I just yell Terry! And they all come a running. If I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell Terry and all of them stop. It’s the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Terry’.
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, ‘But what if you just want one kid to come, and not the whole bunch ? ‘
‘Then I call them by their last names.’
Police Wisdom
Hello, captain. What’s the situation?
A woman killed her husband. 12 stabs, 2 gunshot wounds, half burnt, and thrown down the stairs.
Oh my goodness, what was the reason?
She told us the husband intentionally started walking on the floor which she recently cleaned.
Did you arrest her?
No. We’re waiting for the floor to dry.
Bosnian Stew
There are now two same recipes for this meal – each region, each house have their own. Howevery, you could put what you have in your fridgerator – just follow the principle: put the ingredients into layers and don’t mix them.
Ingredients:
400g beef
300g chicken meat
2 onions
5-6 cloves of garlic
½ cabbage
3-4 potatoes
2 carrots
1 tomato
1 parsley root
1 parsnip root
celery
parsley leaves
oil
salt, pepper, dried vegetable spice
glasses of white wine
Chop the onion, cut meat into cubes of 2 cm, peel garlic cloves half lengthwise, cut the cabbage and potatoes into small cubes. Chop finel carrots, parsley, celery, parsnip, chop tomatoes into small cubes.
Pour a little oil on the bottom of the pot, put red onion. Put beef over onion, flat slightly and season with salt. Stab garlic cloves between the cubes of meat. Put cabbage over the meat, sprinkle with chopped parsley leaves, chopped chicken, season with little salt, add chopped carrots, parsley, parsnip and celery; put potato cubes in next layer. Sprinkle with sliced tomatoes. Overhead seasoned with salt, pepper, spice and pour wine. Eventually add half glass of water. Cover and cook in oven at 170 degrees for 4 hours. Serve with sour cream.
Domestic Baked Beans
1/2kg large white beans
1kg onions or leeks
100ml oil
Salt, pepper, seasoning of dried vegetables, cayenne pepper -upon to taste
Wash beans , place them in a large bowl and pour over the water. Leave over night or for a few hours. Drain the beans, put it in the pot, pour clean water and put on the heat. When it boils, spilled water, pour in clean one and then let it cook . When it boils, decrease the temperature (to 3 out of 9), cover with lid and let it cook. Cooking time depends on the type of bean, check from time to time. You need cooked beans, but not falling apart, as it will further bake in the oven .
During this time, clean onion, finely chop it, then fry in hot oil, adding pinch of salt. Season fried onions with salt, pepper and cayenne pepper .
Drain the cooked beans but keep the water.
Deploy spiced onions at the bottom of a deep ceramic bowl. Arrange drained beans over it and again onions over beans – arrange alternately as long as you have the ingredients, the beans should be the last layer. Pour water in which beans have been cooked – just to cover the ingredients, but top layer should be seen.
Bake in pre-heated oven at 250 degrees, until the liquid evaporates.
Serve warm or cold .